Susan Alexander - The Rant

Susan’s Rant – December 2005

Chicklets

Ever since this drug has become available over the counter, I am addicted. I love Crest White Strips!

White teeth are no longer a luxury item, now everyone can have really white teeth that damage your enamel. My addiction was first noticed by one of my friends telling me I need to be careful and not have Chicklet gum white teeth.

Sometimes I dream of having teeth so white they become invisible.

Crest White Strips allow me to cover my other addictions to coffee and social cigarette smoking which means I only smoke when I drink. Calling this social smoking allows me to live in denial about this addiction.

With my fresh new white teeth, I went out drinking and smoking with a friend of mine at a local bar. Living up to my mother’s new nickname for me, BAR GIRL! Bar Girl sounds like a new kind of superhero. I will have to trademark that name.

With my Chicklet white teeth, Bar Girl started chatting up a very attractive soap opera actor/philosopher. Of course, I start imagining this hot guy as arm candy at future award shows. Then we all get our fourth/fifth round of drinks and my friend makes a toast and says ‘God Bless America.’

“I will not toast to God Bless America. Why can’t it be God Bless the Universe? I will not just toast America, that’s not right.” My fabulous escort to future awards shows said and storms out of the bar.

Watching my hot communist runaway, I realized I will just have to take a gay man as an escort to my future award shows. The award shows include mostly women and gay men anyways. At least, I know we will both have Chicklet white teeth.

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