Susan Alexander - The Rant

MAY 2008

Springtime for Breeders

It is still unbelievable to me that there were 410 kids in that one compound in Texas with 12 year old girls married to 60 year old men, it’s like a Woody Allen convention with out the Korean girls.

Springtime in the Upper West Side of New York City is a happy and desperate time of year. All these yuppie women are hoped up on fertility drugs and it’s like the NFL Draft season in the neighborhood.

They are pushing their TRIPLE seated strollers down the sidewalk pushing everyone out of the way to get to that fancy organic store called Whole Paycheck.

Some of those strollers are pimped out and cost over $2,000. That is more than my last used car I had in San Francisco. All the parents that failed at their own hopes and dreams are putting all their money into their babies as their last chance.

When I look at some of these Botox faces of women pushing their strollers in Central Park, it reminds me of high school with fancy toys and illegal nannies.

There have some Mommy cliques, Daddy cliques and nannies cheating with the Daddies cliques. To me this is absurd that you have two parents in the park and they bring their nanny to watch one kid. Maybe I’m just jealous of all the attention these kids are getting or realize they are raising the next needy guy I will be dating.

Seeing all the kids is just a reminder that I have about 10 eggs left that I had better freeze or have a good time with men in their 20’s. I just need to consult my Magic 8 ball to determine my destiny.

MARCH 2008

New Addiction

Haven’t been addicted to a TV show in sometime, since Dick Wolf started up the Law & Order Sex and Psycho spin-off shows, then it happened, I turned on TNT one day and it was a marathon day of Cold Case. These marathons on the cable station, allow those too lazy or not interested in DVR/Tivo to get an overload of one show. Cold Case has a damaged heroine who is always in turmoil but solves these cases of dead people that now seems to have solved and are filed away into the ‘Cold/Dead’ files. Now the heroine played by Kathryn Morris always seems to have awkward blonde hair that is pinned up and looks funky but I think that is to keep us on our toes.

The set-up of every show is set in flashbacks with killer soundtracks. Whatever respect I lost for Jerry Bruckheimer for making Pearl Harbor, I have regained watching the Cold Case TV shows. Seeing the stories from the dead people’s point of views and the Cold Case is solved at the end of the show.

Of course, they have the single girl heroine living with like three cats she rescued. One is missing an eye to symbolize how damaged she is and the men she selects. That was just me projecting myself on to the lead character.

Love that the show takes place in Philadelphia and the fact that my home state of Pennsylvania is represented. PA is ‘real’ America in one state. There are the wealthy area but mostly buckets of dairy/Amish farmland, raped mining hills near Pittsburgh and some rural parts that have a little bit of that banjo song going threw your head.

What I really like that show takes place in PA is that I recognize some of the smaller counties and towns they talk about. When I am on the road and lucky enough to catch, Cold Case, I do feel a little homesick when I watch the show. However, mostly I feel calm even though it’s about dead people.

January 2008

Dead Dad Dating Advice

My dad died over five years ago but he still comes to me in my dreams. On the last visit, he had an unusual request.

“Susan, can give me some dating advice in heaven.” Dead Dad said.

“Dad, you’re in heaven. Aren’t you still married to Mom?” I said.

“It was cheaper for me to die than divorce your mom. Don’t hate, Susan. Now give your Dead Dad some dating tips.” Dead Dad said.

“Okay. Stay away from the women clapping their hands and singing in the choir because they’ll bring their stuff and wanna live on your cloud. Stick with the women hanging at the gates with one foot in heaven and one in hell. They're the good time girls” I said.

I’m sure he is with me in my waking life but doesn’t wanna see me overeating, drinking and having sex or ‘dating’ a variety of men.

Listen, I remember the meal I had five years ago on May 20th at 8 PM but I don’t remember the guy’s name I had sex with that night. That’s how much food sometimes is more significant then the men in my life. Weather it is right or wrong, it tasted good.

December 2007
Dirty Manhattan

Watching movies has always been a great escape for me. I especially love movies set in the Dirty Manhattan era like Looking for Mr. Goodbar, Midnight Cowboy and on the lighter side Tootsie. Dirty Manhattan sounds like a new drink but to me is the 70’s – 80’s New York City where hookers, drugs, promiscuity and no consequence except for light STDs and maybe getting killed by your closeted gay one night stand.

Tootsie is my all time favorite drag-queen comedy and made at the end of the Dirty Manhattan era (1982). The cast includes Dustin Hoffman as a struggling actor/waiter/acting coach in his late 30’s trying to get roles but has built a reputation of being too high maintenance. He is helping an actress friend prepare for a new role in a popular soap opera and by a twist of fate he ends up getting the role as a female character on the soap. Dustin does not make the most attractive woman but his soft Southern accent and mannerisms make him believable as a woman. Also, you start judging all the little outfits she/he wears and become engrossed in the movie.

My favorite scene in Tootsie is when he/she meets up with his/her agent Sydney Pollack (also the director of movie) at the Russian Tea Room. The main reason I wanted to go there was for this movie. I finally went there for my birthday in November. The food I ordered was delicious but the whole time I just wanted to know where the Tootsie scene was filmed. As I’m leaving the restaurant, I found out where the scene was filmed which was my real birthday present.

Leaving the restaurant, I still wanted to get my drink on with my friends so we went to one other bar on a Wednesday night. For all those single ladies in the city, note the fact that weeknights are the prowling night for cheater husbands disguised as available single men. I like to think of them as cock-blockers of the men I should be talking to at the bar.

“Would you wear a fur coat if I bought you one?” Older married man testing me said.

“Listen, I only wear animals I eat.” Drunk single girl that’s me said. The smart single girl would have said, “I look better in diamonds.”

That is what happens when I talk to men my age or older at bars. I am staying true to myself and only speaking to younger men who are single.

“Susan, do you know what the call women who date younger men?” Judging married friend said.

My other favorites are the Jamaican Jerk Chicken and the Fried Calamari which are such big pieces that the calamari has to be on steroids. The most important part of the meal is the Sangria. Go here with a few friends and your bill will be like $20 per person and your belly will be full.

Dining at this restaurant was one of the reasons I moved to San Francisco for a few years. Cha Cha Cha is great night out with friends or a cheap date night. Try the original one in Haight which seems to have better food but the Mission one has a larger restaurant.

ARGUELLO SUPER MARKET next to Golden Gate Park
Turkey is king at Arguello. Vegetarians be warned. They have six Turkeys roasting every morning to produce the most tender and succulent sandwiches ever on the Dutch Crunch Roll. The white meat is tender and the dark meat is made to perfection. I spice it up with some jalapenos. The sandwich price is reasonable and worth the trek to this quaint little supermarket run by a great guy named Sal. So grab a sandwich and walk one block to Golden Gate park for your own picnic lunch.

GARY DANKO in Fisherman’s Wharf on North Point Street
Paradise comes in different forms, for me one of them has been dining at Gary Danko. I've been to French Laundry which is superb but too much of a hike out to Yountville. Gary Danko is conveniently located in SF and relative easy to get a reservation if you plan ahead. Even if you want to go last minute, go dine at the bar and you can impress your friends that you have been to Danko.

The strategy I suggest to get the best experience and fun at Gary Danko is to always go for the tasting menu and wine pairing . This means you have a variety of little dishes with a complimentary wine that the chef and sommelier (resident wine expert) has selected. Also, this will control the price which will be a total of about $200 (includes tip/taxes).

For a foodie like me, it's worth it a couple of times a year. Just do not go here with your cheap or anorexic friends (bulimics are okay) because they will ruin the experience. Only go here with true foodies who saved up their money and calories for the week.

Also, limit the amount of bread and spectacular home-made butter they serve or you will fill up to fast. Have a piece and hold out for the courses.

Now for red wine lovers, I always request my pairings to be with red wines. They try to persuade you not to but remember you are the paying customer. Of course, champagne is the exception. Bon Appetit!